Weaning mom

A second post within the same 6 months! I know, I know... it's unprecedented. Although the last post was mostly pictures with a few words, this one is going to be mostly words with just a few pictures. I am having a bit of a hard time, and there's nothing quite like blog-a-therapy for processing a struggle.

I am trying to stop lactating - which (since Kaelyn had never gotten the hang of breastfeeding) means I am weaning off the breast pump. In the course of the last few months I have gone from pumping 4 times a day to 2 times a day, to just once a day as of the last week.  My hope is to stop pumping completely by the time that Brian, Kaelyn and I go on vacation in the start of April. This is partially selfish, since I don't cherish the idea of hauling the breast pump with me on vacation and having to find time and privacy in the middle of the day to pump. But it's also time. Kaelyn is 18 months old. She is happily eating solid foods and drinking regular milk. Flu season is at an end for the year...all of my good reasons for continuing to give her breast milk 2-3 times a day are over. 

Most moms who have used a breast pump probably think that I would be chomping at the bit to stop. I would think that too...but here I am having a really hard time with the idea of no longer pumping milk for Kaelyn everyday. Every time that I think about not having breast milk to give to my daughter, I feel like Kaelyn when she doesn't want to do something...."nonononono", and I wonder - why is this so hard??

Honestly, I think I know some of the reasons for why it's so hard (see that psychology degree didn't go to waste). Pumping has been my earliest connection with Kaelyn and with being a mom.

When Kaelyn was born, all my dreams of holding my new baby, smelling her newborn smell, caressing her newborn skin...went out the window. I couldn't do any of those normal new mom things...but I COULD pump and make milk for her. It was the only mom-thing that I could do at the time. 

When she was being cared for by the wonderful nurses in the St. John's NICU - there was very little that I could do for her, that they couldn't do better...but I COULD pump milk for her. That was the only thing that no one else but her mom could do for her.

When it was SO hard to leave the hospital without her at the end of the evening - I knew that I had to get home to pump. Knowing that Kaelyn needed me to do that for her was the ONE thing that helped me as I was walking down that hallway and out of the hospital door. 

When I had a hard time feeling like a new mom, I COULD still get up a few times a night to pump, and feel a bit like any sleep deprived new parent. It was tiring, but it also made having had a baby more real for me at a time when being at home without her made me feel like I had just imagined being pregnant. 

When Kaelyn finally came home and had so many problems with her stomach, breastfeeding became impossibly frustrating...but I COULD pump milk for her, and know that she was getting the nutrition that she needed. 

When Kaelyn was still tiny and fragile, pumping milk was the one thing that I COULD do to help her grow, get stronger, stay healthy, etc. 

Even just a few months ago, when Kaelyn got a bad stomach bug and couldn't drink regular milk or tolerate almost any food, I COULD pump milk for her and know that she was getting some of the hydration and nutrition that she needed that way. 

As crazy as it sounds, the pump has become a big part of my life. At times, it was a stand in for my daughter (I used to have a picture of her on it to help with milk letdown). It gave me something to focus on when I felt lonely and bereft. It gave me the opportunity to DO something when I felt powerless. It allowed me to feel needed - and as strange as it may sound  - adequate. No, I couldn't manage to carry my baby to term, but at least I had a good milk supply.

I don't know how moms who breastfeed feel when they are weaning. It's got to be hard to give up that sense of closeness with your baby, that sense of interdependence. I don't have that feeling of closeness with the Symphany 2.0, but there is the feeling that through my milk I can give Kaelyn something that is a part of me, something that she needs and craves. 

So yeah, it's hard weaning myself off. It makes me feel sad and (irrationally) inadequate somehow. I'm sure that I will adjust once I stop and it will probably be nice to not have to worry about the logistics of pumping. Honestly, I wouldn't mind if my breasts didn't leak at inconvenient moments and even if they shrank a bit - though after 18 months of pumping, I fear they will be more appropriate to photographs in National Geographic than to those in Sports Illustrated. 

Kaelyn seems to be a bit like me in needing time to adjust to change. She has taken an extraordinary long time to accept a sippy cup as a plausible (occasional) alternative to a bottle. In the last few weeks, she's been coming around...I guess it's time for me to do the same. It's time to move on.

A New Years Toast

Yup, I know -- we are well into March - so a New Year's toast would seem (even by Los Angeles standards) to have crossed the line from 'fashionably late' to 'why even bother'. I have nothing to say in my own defense, except that it's as good a vehicle as any to highlight some recent pictures (and even little video snippets) of Kaelyn. If it makes anyone feel better, I am FAR more behind in terms of Kaelyn's scrapbook (I am just approaching New Year's 2008!), projects around the house, and studying for the psychology licensing exam. So, here we go...

My New Year's Toast for 2009.
The Top 10 things that I have learned from watching Kaelyn:

#10. Wake up every morning excited about the possiblities of a brand new day.

#9. Always stay curious and interested in everything around you.

#8. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want - loudly and repeatedly, if need be.

"Up"

Addendum to above: If you don't get exactly what you want...insist; NEVER SETTLE!

#7. When you're done with something...just throw it away.

#6. If given the choice, forget the small stuff and go for the biggest thing out there!

#5. Approach every big challenge with enthusiasm and unwavering determination.






#4. Don't be afraid to be silly!




#3. Laugh a lot!


#2. When nothing is going your way, a well timed nap can make everything better.

And the #1 thing that I learned from watching Kaelyn....

...When you're not sure of what to do...just smile and blow a kiss, it'll get 'em every time!



Happy (very belated) 2009 Everybody!!

With love from Anna, Brian and Kaelyn!

Kaelyn is ONE!!!

A surprise pre-birthday party thrown by a wonderful mom at our Outside the Box class.

Make a wish!

First ever cupcake...tentative.

First ever cupcake...not so tentative!

Oh YEAH!

Okay, now where are you hiding the other cupcakes??

As I watched Kaelyn sitting up in her high chair, shoving her very first chocolate cup-cake into her mouth with both hands, all I could think was: can this be the same tiny little girl that a year ago couldn't breathe and swallow at the same time? It's really amazing how far Kaelyn has come this year. Here she was celebrating her birthday - surrounded by family and friends - crawling over to see her presents, pulling herself up to standing for a better view of everyone. She was smiling and babbling, pushing buttons on a toy and banging on a drum, trying new foods, like cherry tomatoes and of course -- CHOCOLATE! 

I am happy to report that although Kaelyn likes most foods including tomatoes and broccoli (!!),  she is obviously her parent's child in how instantly she took to chocolate. I mean really, one second she was tentatively poking the cupcake with her finger, bringing the chocolaty finger to her mouth...and then BOOM...her eyes lit up and she tried to shove the entire chocolate cupcake into her mouth all at once! 

It was a really nice first birthday! A great way to celebrate the end of an eventful first year. Kaelyn has come a long way in this first year. She was nearly 18 1/2 lbs at her one year check up and is currently working on her FIFTH tooth and (slowly) getting more hair. She is starting to lose some of her baby-fat cheeks, and her amazing cankles. It's a bit bittersweet...I'll miss those chubby cheeks and sausage-roll legs. Kaelyn loves books - especially those that have moving parts...that she can try to rip out. She is quite free with wonderful, sloppy kisses and has bestowed them on every little boy in our Outside the Box class.

Kissing Maverick

 Kaelyn seems open to new experiences, whether it's petting a (baby) shark, a bird or a tarantula,  or wading into a pool of cold jello. She has learned how to (kind of ) snap her fingers, and (much to her daddy's amusement) do a double-take. She likes to bounce and clap to music and seems to have a special place in her heart for the Gilmore Girls theme song. 

Petting a shark at the Outside the Box Sea Creatures Class.

Petting a Lorikeet at the Aquarium of the Pacific

First one into the Jello!

As for Brian and me, it has been an amazing year full of every emotion available. Intense fear right before and after Kaelyn's birth. Sadness at having to leave the hospital without her. Ecstatic joy at getting to hold her for the first time. Hope as Kaelyn grew stronger. Excitement at bringing her home. Exhaustion as we learned how to take care of a colicky baby. Intense happiness at seeing all of Kaelyn's firsts.  Awe at seeing her figure out her world and her own abilities. Pride at watching her grow into a determined, happy, social, strong-willed and confident little girl. And love - overwhelming, all encompassing, heart-gripping, breath taking, kind of love. 

It feels like ages have passed in the span of this first year...and it feels like only moments ago that we were looking at Kaelyn through an incubator at the NICU and waiting for permission to touch her tiny little hand. It has truly been an amazing journey! I can't wait to see what this second year will bring. 

Thanks to everyone, near and far, who have shared this first year with us. Stay tuned...more adventures to come.

Tales from the Crib

Let me start off by saying that Kaelyn has NEVER been a good sleeper. When she first came home, she was having so much trouble with her digestion and reflux that she would cry, arching her back and flailing her tiny arms and legs, after every meal...which wasn't conducive to falling peacefully asleep on a full stomach.

Then there was the whole colic thing...and the less said about that, the better.

Our babysitter tells me that the biggest problem she has with several of the children she looks after is that she has to wake them up after 3 hours of napping, lest they sleep too long. I try very hard to wish nothing but good to the parents of those children...but some days it's hard.

Kaelyn's tendency is to take 45 minute naps. Sometimes she sleeps for an hour...sometimes she sleeps for 25 minutes. This child fights sleep, like she is fighting to not fall down a precipice. Exhausted, rubbing her barely open eyes she cries and shakes her head, fighting sleep off. Sometimes, I would let out a sigh of relief to see her eyes finally close...only to see her fight her way back from the brink a few seconds later.

Still, after a lot of tweaking, I had recently worked out a bedtime system. Not a perfect system - but one in which Kaelyn would fall asleep relatively peacefully (with me sitting next to her crib) within about 15 minutes. I know that it's not ideal to have to be with the baby to have them fall asleep, but I admit that I had come to love our little sleepy time ritual. Listening to Kaelyn babbling and singing to herself in her crib. Watching her eyes roll back as she finally lost her battle with sleep.

Yeah, well...all that is gone now.

You see, Kaelyn has recently learned how to (first) sit up by herself and (shortly there after) how to pull herself up to standing in the crib.

Please notice the wild gleam in Kaelyn's eyes on the day she first learned to pull herself up to standing. That wild gleam is saying..."Ha Ha Ha...I will never lie down again! And you can't make me!"

Now, instead of 15 minutes of going to sleep...it has been taking us up to 2 hours to get Kaelyn to go down. She will sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up, etc for a good 45 minutes. And I can't even get upset with her at this point, because she's just so darn excited and proud of herself...all I can do is smile back at her and applaud her new feat. But then, after a time, she gets so tired that she physically can't stand up anymore...then the tears of frustration start. Kaelyn is a very determined little girl and so she doesn't just give up and lie down to rest her weary head and muscles. No, she just keeps trying to stand up...often falling backwards onto the mattress, which doubles her frustrations and tears. She will not be coerced out of this, nor soothed. Did I mention that she's a very determined little girl? This period can last upwards of an hour and is very painful to watch. It ends when she FINALLY collapses into an exhausted sleep.

I have spent an hour and a half putting Kaelyn down for a nap...that lasts a half an hour. Needless to say, this has been a 'rough patch' for us.

There are a lot of different books, theories and opinions out there about getting babies to go to sleep. In the last few days, I have tried bits and pieces of most of them. I respect every parent's opinion on what to do with their own child, but I admit that I could never imagine myself letting my tiny baby "cry it out". Still, because she was crying so much anyway - I decided to try a modified version of 'sleep training' - getting Kaelyn to go to sleep without me. I'd like to say that my version is a softer, gentler version of the popular sleep-training techniques out there...but it still is, what it is. 

Kaelyn's attention did focus away from playing in the crib, to crying because I wasn't sitting next to her. The first night was terrible for both of us...but eventually she did fall asleep. The second night was a bit better. The third night better still. Tonight, Kaelyn fell asleep within 7 minutes, without crying! I don't know what to think about this. Part of me is thrilled beyond reason. Another part of me feels guilty and hopes that I haven't broken her spirit (not likely, I think) nor scarred her for life. I'm hoping that she is learning how to fall asleep when she is tired, instead of only being able to collapse out of exhaustion. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

The best part about Kaelyn and sleep is...how utterly happy she is when she wakes up. She wakes up babbling and smiling. Of course, the first thing she does now, is stand up in her crib to survey the lay of the land and announce to us that she is ready to start the day! 

Brian and I are not, and never have been, morning people. Still, Kaelyn's enthusiasm is catching - and we both find ourselves smiling back. It's amazing how much this little girl has changed our lives. The fact that I can be caught smiling at 6:30 in the morning is proof of that!

Catching Up

It has been SO long since I've updated the blog that I hardly know where to begin. Honestly, the idea of catching up on the last 3 months is a bit daunting, so in consideration for everyone's time and reasonable level of interest, let me give you a mainly visual update, with extended captions.

To my great amazement, Kaelyn is 10 months old! It seems unbelievable that we've known her for that long, and on the other hand, as Brian says "It seems like we've known her for our whole lives". She is doing fantastic! Sitting by herself, working on sitting up without help, holding the bottle by herself and eating more baby food, including feeding herself bits of cereal. Not crawling yet...but thinking about it - if only she didn't hate being on her stomach so much.

Kaelyn is extremely vocal and expressive. She starts to babble even before her eyes are open in the morning, and will sometimes "sing" herself to sleep at night. Her current favorite syllable is "Die, Die!" which I'm choosing to see as a version of "Da Da" and not anything to contact Linda Blair's priest about.

Although Kaelyn is doing terrific, it never hurts to get a little help along the way. We are very lucky to have some great resources here through The Westside Regional Center. This organization provides any needed help for children at risk...and being born 3 months prematurely, qualifies. So, Kaelyn has a physical therapist and an occupational therapist who come to the house to work/play with her once a week, all free of charge to us. The physical therapist DNA (pronounced Dina), has been especially fantastic and has taught me a lot about helping Kaelyn work on the muscles and skills she'll need to hit all her milestones. Plus, she brings along a bubble machine and a swing...so she's fun!

We have had all sorts of adventures in our Outside the Box class. I'm including some highlights:

Fun with Feathers:
Playing with big drums:

A baby pool full of 'squishy worms"

...and (on a separate occasion) a baby pool full of cooked spaghetti (with olive oil). Kaelyn is the meatball at 12 o'clock.



Just in case anyone is interested, it apparently takes 15 pounds of spaghetti to fill a baby pool.



One of Kaelyn's favorite classes was "Technology" - with 100 cell phones/100 remote controls and many cameras to play with. Who knew that you could be a technophile before you can even crawl now-a-days.

Pictures from the recent "Sea Creatures" class - where Kaelyn is petting a shark - to follow. Oh yeah, this is a heck of a class!

Having to add some more hours at work, I have spent a large part of the last 2 months looking for child care. I won't bore you with the trials, tribulations and stress of that search, but am pleased to say that I think we found a good person to take care of Kaelyn for about 10 hours a week. Her name is Alla and she is really great with Kaelyn, playing with her, taking her for walks, even doing tummy time with her. As a bonus, she is Russian - and so can speak Russian with Kaelyn. Not that a few hours a week is going to make Kaelyn bilingual -- but it can't hurt to plant some seeds, right?

On the social front, my friend (and cousin-in-law) Eileen came out to visit from MA. It was wonderful to spend some time with Eileen and see her and Kaelyn getting to know each other. In Eileen, Kaelyn found the perfect audience for all her new tricks, including blowing raspberries, squealing and eating. How can you not fall in love with someone who cheers and applauds wildly every time you take a bite of food?

Eileen and I took Kaelyn to the beach. It was amazing to see the ocean for the first time through Kaelyn's eyes. She stared wide-eyed at the ocean and seemed fascinated with the sound and motion of the waves. She wasn't a big fan of the sand but by the end of the trip, we did manage to get some sand between her toes. Here are some great pictures that Eileen took of that day.

A few weeks ago, Kaelyn and went on a BIG adventure! I (in a fit of sleep deprived bravado) decided that we needed to see how Kaelyn did with travel. So, the two of us flew to Colorado to visit my friend Martha, her husband Dave and their two boys: Perrin (4 yrs) and Jonah (2 years). I figured that it would be an easier trip than most since CO is only 2 1/2 hours away, and since Martha has every child item we could ever want.

Overall, Kaelyn was a very good sport about travelling. I had heard from multiple sources that the key is to keep the child hungry and tired until you are on the plane, and then you can give them a bottle right before take off (to minimize the pressure on their ears on the ascent), and they will fall asleep. It was a good plan. What I didn't count on was sitting on the runway for 15 minutes on the way out. I had given Kaelyn a bottle as soon as we taxi'ed out...and she was sound asleep 10 minutes before take off.

Imagine, if you will, my child, hard asleep after hours of being kept awake (and hungry) at the airport by her sadistic mother, while her crazy mother panics at the thought that her baby's ears will explode out of her head upon take off if she's not actively sucking on something. Now imagine, that same crazy mother trying to frantically pry her sleeping child's mouth open with her fingers to insert a bottle of milk as the plane is gaining altitude. No doubt Kaelyn would have thought I was being extremely silly...but fortunately, she remained completely asleep.

What they don't tell you is that when it comes to babies ears, the ascent is a piece of cake as compared to the descent. However, after crying for 5 minutes and then throwing up all the milk drunk in the last 2 days...Kaelyn was happy and rearin' to go as we hit the ground in Denver International Airport.

The rest of our (short) trip was wonderful. It was great to get to introduce my daughter to Martha (who has known me since I we were 10 years old) and to get to know her boys, who I last saw 2 years ago, on the occasion of Jonah's birth. They have both grown up so much and are handsome, super smart and amazing!! They were so sweet to Kaelyn...bringing her toys, playing peekaboo with her, feeding her cheerios, etc. It made my heart melt and Kaelyn absolutely adored them and all their attention!! All in all, I'd say we had a very successful first travel adventure!
So to wrap up, what can I tell you about our Kaelyn at 10 months old? She is sweet and full of smiles. She loves funny noises and being tickled. She has the best laugh! She loves waking up in the morning, but hates going to sleep at night. It's like she's afraid that she'll miss something. She's a bit of a ham...and every time that I point a camera in her direction, she drops whatever she's doing and turns on a big smile!

She definitely knows what she wants, and has a quick temper when she doesn't get her way. At the same time, she is just as quick to forgive and come back to smiling. Overall, she is a happy, strong, determined, inquisitive, funny, sweet kid. What more could we ask for??
As a final note, I am learning how to work the video editing program that Brian got me...and so here is a short video of Kaelyn's at her happiest, surrounded by remotes and cell phones during the "Technology" class. In theory, the video should play...but if not...take my word for it...she's VERY happy!